Diario di esimnons, 31 ago 11

Ok... so he just lost his mom and I think you are doing the right thing by letting him just do his thing. Do not let him belittle you or anything like that but let him grieve. When my best friend lost his dad 6 (almost 7) years ago to cancer he acted like nothing was wrong until shortly after his dad was buried and then he lost his head. He became a total shut in, wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't leave his bedroom etc. It was so hard to go from seeing him being his normal shithead self to a total stranger.. I tried to talk to him at first but being as both my parents are alive and only having lost cousins, friends and a grandparent I did not understand what he was going through at all, I told him that when he was ready to talk to come find me I would be there for him - for anything (Cry, yell, scream, talk w/e) and a few weeks later he sent me a text that said come over.. so I did and at that point we talked he expressed a lot of feelings to me that I was not expecting (he doesn't show emotion real well) and since then he has been my best best friend... so give your husband time I am sure he will come around, and I am sure there isn't much worse than losing a parent. 

Thanks. I can only hope that he doesn't do something that he will regret. it is just really hard to see smeone you love hurting and not be the person he turns to for comfort. it is hard and for me - wrong. I could never shut out someone that I love. Even when i am hurting, i still care about the feelings of those around me especially those I love. But he is not me :( 

You can't take it personally. You can't let it make you feel like you're not special because he doesn't turn to you. As someone who has lost a parent I know how tramatic it can be. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not my family, not my friends, not the person I was dating at the time. No one. As you can tell from my journal I pretty much share everything with everyone but something like that has the tendancy of making you shut down. You don't want to talk because you don't want to break down again. You don't want to share feelings because it feels like you're tearing yourself up. This is just his way of dealing with things.  

I understand how you are feeling, I really do and yes it hurts to watch someone you love hurt. Liltatgirl said it best, maybe he doesn't want to break down or live through the hurt over and over again.. just be there for him when he is ready - and he will come around eventually I am sure.  

Hey Liz - glad to see you on here - and thanks for the update! I am so sorry for the loss in your family right now. But much of what I hear in your journal, is really more about fear. Fear that he will leave. Run. Run to someone else? And about pain...your pain! I know how dedicated and hard you have been working and struggling at this - and honestly - I totally get it! I too love my husband. And the worst moment in my life was when I resolved within myself that I could be 'miserable' alone. I really didn't need to continue in a miserable marriage to achieve that. Of course being miserable was never the goal...but at the time, and in my heart...that was my reality. As you already know, this story has quite a happy ending. And that's rare. Especially these days. And especially with men. (sorry guys). But they aren't the easiest to really come to grips with what they want in this world - and to commit to it, and do the HARD work as well. That being said, if he's just being 'quiet' and unwilling to reveal his pain from the loss of his Mom - well, that takes time and compassion, and the loving support that only a wife can really give him. But if his distance smells more like a rejection of YOU - and his excuse for an 'out' ... well, this is not going to be an easy autumn for you. I love that you have your mind wrapped around the 'maybe's' ...but none of know the future. Keep doing for him - what you would want him to do for you... and in the end if it doesn't work out - you will always know you gave all the best of what you had to give. And that's all anyone can ask of you!!! Much Love. 

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the insight. I have lost my Grandfather but still have my Grandmother. I am not at all close to my mother in the same way so I guess maybe I am not able to relate to what he is going through. he texted me a while ago that a peice of equipment had broken and i said that he could fix it because he can fix anythng. he said "except me". To that I texted back that when I get down or anxious I count my blessings. After that, whatever has upset me does not seem so bad. I told him that he should try that. I said that he has great kids and grandkids. A wife that loves him. Friends that want to spend time with him. A future that he is building on our farm. I said that if these things are not enough for hm then he does seem to have a problem. I also said that he can't expect to be over losing his Mom in a couple of days. She only wanted people to love her and that was enough for her. I guess the thing is - I am trying to be supportive of him. That is all I can do. it is up to him to receive my support or not. Paula, you are correct - I am feeling a greaat deal of pain and fear. I am not feeling a true rejection of me because he is still texting me some and asking me to call. But I see a need to run in him. I can almost smell it. i guess that is because I did run when I lost my Grandfather. For me, I am just trying to stay strong and work within myself and my faith to be capable of dealing with all this. I can't do it for him. he has not even acnowledged my texts. I am trying very hard not to be hurt at his behavior or upset with him. I am trying to not assume i know what anything means or even that I understand anything he says. It is not easy because I am an very sensitive person. but maybe this is part of my own growth process. Who knows. I really appreciate all that you guys have said to me. it helps. 

Elizabeth, I will be praying for you. I know how hard you have been working at this marriage for the last year, and if he leaves now, you will feel like it was just a waste of your time. You have every right to be scared and hurt, but remember he is hurting right now also. Hang in there and know that you ARE the strong woman that you think you are. Hugs!