Diario di esimnons

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06 settembre 2011

I'm having a hard time with water these days. just not drinking enough. Drinking water is such an easy thing to do but for some reason, it seems to be the downfall of so many. Right now, I am on the wrong track. It is not that I am drinking things that are not good for me, I am just not drinking anything. Same thing with food some days - it is easier to not eat than to eat what i can have or what is good for me. it is a new day and I am going to get the water I need today and I am going to eat the right amount of veggie carbs today. This I promise to myself.

On the good side - I told you that my friends Mom passed away (no that is not the good part) anyway, yesterday I took a cheesecake to his house and was able to visit with one of his sisters and her husband as well as my friend and his dad. They all broke out the cheesecake and served it. I did not even sample a piece (and I LOVE Cheesecake) and drank coffee BLACK. I generally have to have cream in my coffee but was not about to drink the wrong type as I did on Saturday and just drank it black. I was vey proud of myself especially given that I had not eaten anything yesterday and was hungry. While I know and accept that not having eaten was the wrong thing to do to myself - I was still proud that i did not sucumb to the cheesecake. I did however do bad the rest of the evening... Not overly bad but I did have some sugar free pudding and strawberries. I found this dark chocolate sugar free pudding at Wal mart that appears to have 3 carbs if you remove the sugar alchohols. I know it is not something I want to eat often but it was good at the time. In my opinion, a better choice would have been to have the strawberries alone but it was still better then eating the cheesecake or some sugary treat.

Also, I have to report that i am changing my goal. I am officially 1 pound from goal on this site and need to make the change. Not sure what to make it though and I am thinking I will make it 150. At one time I had asked folks what they weighed at different sizes and found that it fluctuates so much that nobody can really seem to know what their goal weight should be. The simple truth is that my goal is really to see myself as a normal sized person not a fat one. Sad thing is, normal sized people are basically where I started given that we have such a fat epidemic in this country. And the way we see ourselves is such a function of our own emotional health. I was a size 8 at one time in my life and I still thought I was pretty fat. As I gained, I never saw a difference in myself. Now as I have lost, I still can't see the difference. Not sure why that is but it is a fact... Anyway, I am thinking that goal may be something I will not achieve so I need another one. I have never gotten rid of my old clothes so now I am pulling them out and trying them on. yeterday I wore my size 10 gap jeans. no stretch in those babies :) They were tight and stayed tight but not uncomfortably tight. i was pretty happy about that. I also purchased a new size 10 pair of black work pants so... I am getting pretty close to a normal size I think. I know I am rambling but the point i am trying to make is that I think the new goal of 150 may be a bit low for me. I may end up raising it in a few months if I get into size 8s and wear them comfortably. But i am thinking it takes about 20 pounds for me to loose a size of clothing so 150 might be perfect. Then again, I do want to purchase a size 29 miss me jeans and I doubt 150 will get me into them.... We will see. size 31 fits pretty nice now so maybe :)

Finally, the dear darling and I had a couple of long talks this weekend. On Friday, I told him he needed to decide if he wants to be married to me because I was not going to take this any more. I deserve better I told him. He talked about how he could not trust me and how I messed up his friendships and all kinds of mean and cruel things. He did not want me to come home Friday and I did not. I stayed in NC and went to a bull bucking event. On Saturday, I went to watch the babies and he told me he was ready for me to come home. I went on home and Sat night he was great. Seemed happy and loving and things were really good. nothing was said about the conversation. he had told me that he wanted to look me in the face when he told me if he was leaving so Sunday AM I asked him if he was ready to talk. He was not but we did. I listend to him for about an hour and did not say anything while he talked. he talked and talked and most of it had nothing to do with us. Finally it was my turn and I let him have it pretty good. I told him that you get what you put into something and that he did not want to put efforts into the marriage then I thought we needed to end it. I told him that my feet were firmly on the marriage and commitment side of the fence but that he seemed to be straddlening it. I said that was not good enough for me and that while I have a very soft heart - too soft in fact - that I am not weak. I have the strength to do what is good for me and that I could do it without him. Don't want to but I can. I brought up some really old things and told him I was not going to keep that hurt inside me anymore. I asked him to tell me the truth about some old things (things I know the truth about but he had lied to me) and he would not. I think he can't. But he asked if we could start over now and go forward. I said yes and that is what I am trying to do. he finally said that he does love me and that he thinks he does want to be in this marriage. The strange thing is, he made a couple of comments to me later about what made people do things that they know will hurt other people. I think he is trying to figure out why he has done some things in the past. I could be wrong but that is how I took it. It is still posible he will bolt when he gets his inheritance but I am going to be OK with my role in this marriage. Never again will I regret my own actions. My commitment the day I married him was to myself and to God. I am not going to go through years of desapair over my own actions again. I have finally started to forgive myself for my actions before and am not going to go back to that bad place... I guess I feel that if he can go forward in truth and love then I certainly can. That does not mean that there will be only happy days ahead and I am sure that you guys will have to read this crap again in the future. But I hope the sun is going to shine on us for a while :)

(3 commenti)

04 settembre 2011

Peso:	Perso fino ad ora:	Rimanenti:	Dieta seguita:
79,8 kg	20,0 kg	11,8 kg	Abbastanza buono

Aggiungi Commento Calando 0,7 kg a Settimana

01 settembre 2011

And another shoe drops.....

My friend called me last night and his Mom passed away. it definatly is not a good week to be my friend or related to my friend...

My Dear darling talked to me a good bit last night. That was good. of course he was talking about his 'friend'. Seems her mother asked him to talk to her because of her behavior. Said he was the only person she seemed to listen to and he told the mother that he did not want to get into trouble with me.... Who knows what the deal is but at least he did talk to me and did think about me when her name came up. As I have said many times, I really don't think he has cheated with her but something is not OK with her. Who knows.

I am still trying to just support him and am waiting for him to decide what it is he wants in life.... He seemed to be talking about the future with our little ranch last night so maybe he is staying.... who knows.

I just wanted to update you guys since you have been so supportive of me through all of this.

(5 commenti)

31 agosto 2011

Not sure when i was here last so an update is in order -

My Mother in law passed away Sunday before last. She was cremated and we had a memorial service for her on Thursday and buried her ashes on Saturday. Things did not go overly well and there was lots of drama to be had. The dear darling seems to be taking it hard and does not want to be around people (including me) or talk to me. I am just leaving him alone and being supportive when he does talk with me. At this point, that is all i can do. i don't hold out much hope for this marriage but I am not ready to stop trying. I am still in love with him and want him to be happy. I am trying to support his decisions but I am not going to take being treated in a way i do not find acceptible. I get the feeling that he wants to run away as if that will make loosing his Mom more palitable. it will not we all know but it seems he just wants to run. That is his choice to make but I have decided i am not going to run away from my problems anymore. I ask that you all keep him in your thoughts and prayers and hope that he finds whatever happiness is out there for him. I am fine if that happiness is not with me as I know I will find happiness somewhere sometime. OK - I am not really fine - I am crushed but I can only control what i do not what he does. I am trying very hard to find the strong woman I know is inside me somewhere. I just hope i can be as brave and strong in my heart as I am in my mind. The difficult thing is that i have given him everything that I have and it is not good enough. It is hard not to think that is a reflection on the quality of me but I know that it is really a reflection on the quality of him. My head is pretty sure that he does not deserve me. My heart still adores him. What a mess

(7 commenti)

22 agosto 2011

I got a call yesterday as I was driving to Charlotte NC and was told that My Mother in Law had passed away. While I am sad, I know this is the best thing for her.

I expect I will try to drive home tomorrow evening and then we will drive to Texas for the Memorial Service on Thursday and the burial on Friday. I don't get why they are having one on Thursday but she was their mother not mine.... They are having her cremated as she wanted.

As you may expect, my body is already hurting and I expect will be worse soon. Plus, I have nothing to wear. Guess I will try to go to the mall this evening. I have many suits from my former work environment but nothing really seems to be the right thing. Plus, it is so hot there that I don't see me wanting to wear a jacket... Oh well... I will try to figure this out - don't think they would want me to go naked :)

(13 commenti)

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