Diario di esimnons

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12 ottobre 2011

Going...... I know I have read many posts from people that have trouble with this. I just can't find them..... I am having a terrible time. it is frustrating and uncomfortable. What i wouldn't give to be 'regular'. I normally am not regular but it seems that now I am eating more veggies and salads and stuff it is a bigger problem than before. I guess my body gets fuller or something. I have tried everytig that i know to try... I tried eating flax muffins - no help; tried taking cleanse pills - no help; now I am taking coconut oil pills and magnesium.... still not help. I even took laxitives not once but twice befor I got a little help. This is rediculous... Maybe this is why my mood has been off lately. I feel so BIG! Oh well - it seems something I am going to have to live with. My Dear darling eats nothing b ut white stuff and he goes every morning. Why can't I???? I think it is because i am not as big an A Hole as he is :) LOL

WOE is going fine I think. I accepted a freinds challenge to stay away from the artificial sweetners. Day 1 was good and now Day 2 is upon us... We may go to Ryans for lunch and that poses a real problem for me. I will survive it though and I will succeed :) Can't let my buddy down even if i can let myself down....

Yesteday was spend making travel plans. I am going to Tampa for 2 weeks at the end of the month and am going to stay the weekend and bask on the beach. Planning to sit on the beach and read a book or two. now to pray for nice weather! I figure even if it is not nice weather, I will have a good time. I can go shopping or do nothing. I can go to Busch Gardens too. i always liked that place. I think i could bring myself to go there alone.... Maybe.

Anyway, today is another drizzly day. Still am not in the mood to work.... but maybe i will :) Hope everyone has a good day.

(8 commenti)

11 ottobre 2011

I am feeling down today. Not sure exactly why but I think it has to do with my facing some hard facts about myself.

I have a wonderul co-worker/friend who is getting married in about a month. A couple of weeks ago, her fiance went on a binge and discovered that he is apparently an alcoholic. I don't know the specifics but it was so bad they thought they were going to have to hospitalize him. Anyway, he is OK and has started AA meetings. They have talked several times and are staying together. I am happy for them. but concerned. The thing is, they have a big wedding planned with an open bar. They both think he can just drink some sparkling cider or something and be fine. They think that they don't have to change anything socially and that she can contiune to drink when they are with friends and he will just have a soda. Seems rather nieve to me but who am I to question?

Anyway, it has made me think about addiciton... my addiction. I am addicted to food. Carbs in particular but actually the sweet taste. I need it and crave it. How do I controll this? There is no 12 step program that I am aware of for carb addicts. When my friend was telling me about her expectation that she can drink when he can't I could not help ut think of how I feel when my dear darling tells me to get him something sweet at the grocery store. it hurts almost like a physical pain to have to look at the desserts and smell them. it sometimes makes me HATE him. That is pretty bad... I see him eating cookies and I actually hate him.

I am going to stay over the weekend in Tampa in a couple of weeks and was looking at cruises. I'd love to go on one. Never have been and just think it would be great. but then I thought about the dessert tables. I could not deal with that.

Part of me thinks I should just give up this WOE and eat whatever I want... Who cares if i am fat and unhealthy. Been there before. SHoot all this and I am still having to take lots of BP medicine. So it is not like I am healthy now. I just want to be normal and not have to struggle. Why is it that my husband can eat whatever he wants in the quantities that he wants and not have any problems at all? i don't want him to have a weight problem or a health problem. But what is wrong with me???

I realize i am being very negative and whining and complaining and all the bad things. I know I need to come to grips with this and jut accept it. I know that to put me first is to try to stay on this path and get to feeling better and looking better and being better. Why is it that it seems rational to me that putting me first would be eating whatever i want? I know it is not rational but it SEEMS rational. Giving into my own desires is putting me first on some level. I know in my heart that i can't give in but I want to soooo badly.

I assume that this realization is something that is necessary. If i did not realize this was a big problem then I would be doomed to repeat the past mistakes. I remember how it started - i could just have one bite of pizza or dessert and then it snowballed into years of overeating and bad health. i don't want that to happen again. Maybe it is good to feel like this. Maybe these are deamons I have to face. Who knows. but i sure am not enjoying the ride... :)

(9 commenti)

10 ottobre 2011

I am in a funky mood. Not unhappy... just strange. Things at home are pretty good. We have been building a pond for the last week or so. Burning lots of brush that we have pushed up and cutting trees. Things are looking much better. I have walked a good bit up and down the hills, cut brush from the fence, picked up some limbs, picked up pecans.... just little stuff.

The WOE has been OK I guess. nothing spectacularly good to report and nothing spectacularly bad to report. I can feel that I have gained some weight... At least I think i can. It makes me very mad. I really have not done anything to dserve a gain but... oh well. I refused to weigh in yesterday and will not do so again until Sunday. I just don't think I can take the numbers right now. i did get out the tape measure... On Friday night, it looked as if I had gained an inch or more around my waist. I know I have not done that and took a laxitive because I know/knew I needed to go. i just couldn't. Well that did not work so I took one again on Saturday. Finally, yesterday it worked. I checked my waist this morning and it seems unchanged form the official mark. So, while I am feeling fat and yucky, apparently the inches are the same.

I am thinking of going primal rather than Atkins..... Just thiking at this point. but it does seem to me that the sugar alchohols are bad for me. Yet, I crave somethig sweet sometimes. I used diet soda at one point and now am trying not to do that. I tried the Atkins bars and that does not seem to work for me. Sugar free ice cream and other deserts are no good it seems... So I am thinking that maybe I am going to have to try fruit.... I wish I did not need the treat. I can do without it. But I am thinking forever here and I don't think I can do without sweets forever. I know I can't. I can't even do without the diet soda forever. I cut the sweet from my morning coffee and that has not been easy for me. Maybe I need to switch to Truvia from Splenda but I taste a bitter taste in the stuff I purchased. Just not sure anymore.... To be honest with you all, all i want to eat is steak cheese, boiled eggs and salad. I am almost scared to eat anything else. Then I give into my craving for sweets and eat something sugar free that I should not have. This is really messed up!!!! I cheat on myself by eating sugar free deserts. I am not feeling very in control of myself these days..... But then again, I don't feel out of control either... I have not broken down and had a real dessert. My husband has cookies all over the house and I have not had a single one. he insisted on having a pizza Friday night and I did not eat a bite of it. Why can't these little wins add up into a good weight loss picture for me?? Just to maintain would be better than this.

As I said, I am in a funk. Sorry.

(12 commenti)

08 ottobre 2011

What a night!!!! About 9 PM I got a call from my grandmother.... She was very sick and my Mother was out of town. So I had to go over and take care of her. The poor thing had pooped all over herself multiple times. She was sitting on the toilet moaning. Trying to poop and throw up all at the same time. Kept thinking she was going to faint.... Well we made it through and she slept about 5 hours. I fixed her an egg and a couple pieces of toast for breakfast. SHe seems better but is still weak. i think she has a virus or something. Not really sure what to do for her.

Anyway, I am just sitting here wishing my Mother would get back so I could go home. I have company coming over tonight and a house that is FILTHY. Have to get everything ready. Feeling a bit sick to my tummy myself.... Probably from no sleep and the grossness of caring for a sick loved one but I am afrai I am not going to get everyting done! Oh well.... I will do what I can. My Grandmother comes first so I am staying where i am until she has someone to care for her

(2 commenti)

07 ottobre 2011

I am in tears. Where is this weight coming from??? Could it be the flax seed in the MIM?? That is the only real difference in my food intake. I am very frustrated.

(9 commenti)

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